Judul : 10 common mistakes that will kill your dating life
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10 common mistakes that will kill your dating life
Netflix
They’re major turn-offs.
For a single person, there are few experiences more frustrating than having someone break things off without explaining why. One day you two are really vibing; the next you get a “let’s just be friends” text.
We’re not promising to have uncovered the reason why things went south with the object of your affection. But it’s worth checking out the list below to see if perhaps you’ve been guilty of any of these unappealing behaviors.
To compile said list, we asked a panel of dating and relationship experts to tell us about the biggest turn-offs in budding relationships. Some have to do with your physical appearance; some have to do with the way you treat the other person.
Read on to learn about some potentially huge obstacles standing between you and true love. And if you’re getting paranoid, remember: most of these things are easily fixable.
Bad self-care habits
Examples include bad breath, body odor, terrible hygiene, and lack of etiquette.
“These are qualities that are seen early in the dating process,” said Dr. Terri Orbuch (PhD), relationship expert, Oakland University professor, and author of “Finding Love Again: 6 Simple Steps to a New and Happy Relationship.” “They are obvious right away.”
“They turn people off because they seem simple to attend to or address. It doesn’t take that much effort to have good hygiene. And people infer that the bad self-care habits infer something about the person’s habits in a relationship.
“The potential partner can’t or doesn’t have the time/effort/inclination to take care of him/herself — why then would they have the care/effort/inclination to put forth with someone else?!”
Criticizing or trying to control the other person
“People don’t like being told what to do,” Orbuch said, “particularly at the beginning of a relationship — and to do that at the beginning seems too self-centered and ego-oriented.
“Also, negativity and criticizing you at the beginning isn’t what people are attracted to. In general people are attracted to the opposite — positivity, optimism, and giving compliments!”
Emotional neediness
“We don’t like constantly having to support someone who’s not available to support us,” said Hal Runkel, marriage and family therapist and author of “Choose Your Own Adulthood.”
Emotional reactivity
Runkel added: “We don’t like walking on eggshells, worried we’re going to accidentally set someone off.”
Poor grammar
This one’s based on a 2013 Match survey of 5,000 single adults. According to that survey, grammar is one of the first things people use to judge a potential date.
“Bad grammar suggests that a potential partner has had less schooling and may not value education,” said Helen Fisher, biological anthropologist, author of “The Anatomy of Love,” and chief scientific advisor to Match.
Low self-confidence
That same Match survey found that people also take into account a potential date’s self-confidence. “Those with little self-confidence are likely to be anxious, perhaps even less mentally stable,” Fisher said.
Bad teeth
Respondents in the Match survey also reported that they check out a potential date’s teeth.
“Men and women with bad teeth advertise a poor diet, maybe even poor health,” Fisher said.
Generally, Fisher added, “we evolved to seek educated, mentally sound and healthy partners — individuals with good genes and a good upbringing who can help us pass our DNA into tomorrow. And potential partners who lack these traits are likely to be a poor reproductive bet. So we instinctively weed them out.”
Self-absorption
“This unattractive quality covers a lot of territory,” said Joseph Burgo, psychotherapist and author of “The Narcissist You Know.”
“People who think only of themselves and lack interest in other people tend to make poor relationship partners because they don’t care about the other person’s feelings. They’re also inconsiderate and selfish in bed.
“Healthy relationships involve reciprocity where each partner’s needs are important, including the need to feel seen and heard. Nobody wants to serve as non-stop audience to another person.”
Michael McNulty, Master Trainer and Certified Gottman Relationship Therapist from The Chicago Relationship Center, said much the same thing:
“People who are always first and foremost centered on their owns needs to the exclusion of others are unable to be in healthy, growth-promoting relationships. The constant focus on themselves leave their partner’s questioning the legitimacy their own needs.
“That kind of dynamic is damaging to the other person’s sense of self-esteem and overall emotional life. The self-centered are great at convincing people they deserve what they want. Best advice: Run the other way.”
Extreme negativity
Burgo said: “While healthy relationships should provide a safe space where both partners can air their troubles, too much complaining and a constant focus on what’s wrong eventually becomes a burden for the other person.
“Especially in the early phases of a relationship, we need to share positive, mutually fulfilling experiences that promote connection and serve as a cushion for later difficulties. If one partner makes exclusive use of a relationship as a dumping ground for bad feelings, the other person has little reason to hold on.”
Contempt
According to McNulty, “Contempt is when one partner in a relationship feels superior and becomes disgusted. It is a heavy-duty form of criticism: One partner harshly points out flaws in the other. It often involves an eye roll, a sneer, or a passive aggressive remark.
“Research tells us the presence of a pattern of contempt in a marriage is the biggest predictor of divorce. People who are filled with contempt are toxic because they constantly scan for and point out the negative in their partners.
“Contempt is the opposite of kind. Being contemptuous is like pouring acid on love, and kills relationships.”
Read more stories on Business Insider, Malaysian edition of the world’s fastest-growing business and technology news website.
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